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Pursuing the art and craft of compelling storytelling
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| February 3, 2012 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Flogometer for Jane--would you turn the page? The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below. Storytelling Checklist Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are. Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Jane has sent a revision of the opening of The Next Sixty Days. Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But, I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.” She stared at Mr. Bonner as he leaned back in his leather chair. “Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner. Whitmore cashed in his life insurance and bought a burial policy instead when he decided to start a business”. “What business?” “A photography service. I believe he called it ‘Scenes for the Media,” Mr. Bonner replied. “He did buy some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger at Whitmore for dying and leaving her dead broke squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle. When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that the shelves along the front wall shook and four of Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor. She kicked the papers and envelopes into a pile. She wished she could kick Whitmore for leaving her broke and alone. Panic tried to crowd in, but she pushed it back. Anger was more satisfying. In the kitchen she filled a jelly jar to the brim with Whitmore’s cheap blush wine. The first vinegary swallow made her nose wrinkle, but she sucked from the glass like a starved calf (snip) Could be stronger, I think Jane has tightened the narrative and I like the writing. There is tension here, and story questions are raised. But I think it could be stronger yet. I’m going to try to edit out enough to add in a couple of lines that I think will add to the character and help the reader understand the trouble she’s in--the additional part, taken from later in the chapter, will be in non-italicized blue. There's another poll to vote on whether there's improvement or not. Nice work. Notes: Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But, I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.” She stared at Mr. Bonner as he leaned back in his leather chair. This really doesn’t add much and takes up words. “Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner. Whitmore cashed in his life insurance and bought a burial policy instead when he decided to start a photography service a business.”. “What business?” “A photography service? . I believe he called it ‘Scenes for the Media,” Mr. Bonner replied. “He bought did buy some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger at Whitmore for dying and leaving her dead broke squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle. I like the tadpole analogy. When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor from the shelves along the front wall shook and four of Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor. She kicked the papers and envelopes into a pile. She wished she could kick Whitmore for leaving her with nothing broke and alone. I changed the line to avoid repetition of “broke.” No one in Midland was hiring, especially an unskilled, minimally educated, thirty pounds over-weight, forty-four year-old housewife/widow who stammered when asked to recite her personal assets. Panic tried to crowd in, but she pushed it back. Anger was more satisfying. In the kitchen she filled a jelly jar to the brim with Whitmore’s cheap blush wine. The first vinegary swallow made her nose wrinkle, but she sucked from the glass like a starved calf (snip) "vinegary" is a nice detail touch Because this is so chopped up with edits, here’s the result, along with additional narrative added to the first lines that the editing made room for: Ellen pinched up the check from the insurance agent’s desk and peered at it. “Just two thousand? But I paid the premiums for the twenty-five thousand dollar life insurance policy every month.” “Surely you knew, Mrs. Warner. Whitmore cashed in his life insurance and bought a burial policy instead when he decided to start a photography service.” “A service? He bought some cameras, but just left them setting on the shelf.” Ellen slipped the check into her purse and stood. Anger at Whitmore for dying and leaving her dead broke squirmed in her head like tadpoles in a Texas mud puddle. When she got home, Ellen slammed the apartment door so hard that Whitmore’s accordion files tumbled to the floor from the shelves along the front wall. She kicked the papers and envelopes into a pile. She wished she could kick Whitmore for leaving her with nothing. No one in Midland was hiring, especially an unskilled, minimally educated, thirty pounds over-weight, forty-four year-old housewife/widow who stammered when asked to recite her personal assets. Panic tried to crowd in, but she pushed it back. Anger was more satisfying. In the kitchen she filled a jelly jar to the brim with Whitmore’s cheap blush wine. The first vinegary swallow made her nose wrinkle, but she sucked from the glass like a starved calf before she sprawled on the couch, snatched a letter from the pile and began to read. Comments, please? For what it’s worth. Ray
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| February 1, 2012 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Flogometer for Eddie--would you turn the page? The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below. Storytelling Checklist Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are. Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Eddie has sent the opening of Perception Shift. Scott watched the warm pacific breeze lift a discarded food wrapper from the crowded walk and swirl it around the woman. If he was the type to believe in signs he would see this as an omen. She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game. In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine. This one was different. Not to say she was inept. On the contrary; she was exceptional. If he hadn’t been in a heightened state he might have missed her subtle attempts to track him. She blended in so well that a lesser man would have been unaware of her attention. She did nothing to give herself away and moved in and out of the crowds so well there was nothing to indicate she was trailing him. Scott was impressed. Whoever this was, she was serious competition. He smiled. He relished the challenge she posed. The smart thing would be to disappear. He’d done it before without any qualms, knowing it was the safe move. The problem was he didn’t always do the smart thing. If he did he wouldn’t be in the mess he was in. Yes, but . . . This opening did a good-enough job of raising story questions--who is the woman, why is she following him, what mess is he is--to get me to turn the page. The writing is clean as well--but I think this could be stronger. It feels distant to me, as if this protagonist was writing a report. Much of the information seems to be coming from the author, not the character. It has a dry quality that’s not lively. I urge Eddie to dig into the character’s experience and help us to share that. For example, employ more senses--it turns out the character is in a bar looking down on a busy market in Mexico. There would be smells, and noise--but that’s not here. There’s some “telling” in the narrative that could be showing/experiencing instead. By the way, if he’s in a bar above the market looking down, how would he know that this woman is following him? This is a logic problem that Eddie needs to clear up. Notes: Scott watched the warm pacific Pacific breeze lift a discarded food wrapper from the crowded walk and swirl it around the woman. If he were was the type to believe in signs, he would see this as an omen. "food wrapper" is vague and generic--specifics create reality. Make it a candy wrapper or something that would be typical of a Mexican marketplace. I wonder if it would be good to give a little more of why this could be an open. Thoughtstarter: ... swirl around the woman as if pointing her out. She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game. In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine. A bit of an info dump here, yet it lacks clarity--who does “each group” refer to? Vague. What are the different kinds of threats? “the usual suspects” is a cliché, look for something fresher. I suggest you trim this by roughly half. This one was different. Not to say she was inept. On the contrary; she was exceptional. If he hadn’t been in a heightened state he might have missed her subtle attempts to track him. She blended in so well that a lesser man would have been unaware of her attention. She did nothing to give herself away and moved in and out of the crowds so well there was nothing to indicate she was trailing him. “This one was different” is redundant--you spent the previous paragraph letting us know that. “heightened state” is telling, for one thing--and what does that mean? Can you show us through his thoughts and behavior and emotions what is meant by this? And why is he in a heightened state on this particular day? Is he always at a heightened state? This description causes more problems than it solves, IMO. Scott was impressed. Whoever this was, she was serious competition. He smiled. He relished the challenge she posed. The sentence I deleted is more “telling.” And redundant--the rest of the paragraph lets us know. The smart thing would be to disappear. He’d done it before without any qualms, knowing it was the safe move. The problem was he didn’t always do the smart thing. If he did he wouldn’t be in the mess he was in. I suggest you whittle this even more than I have and then insert some of the feel of the scene, the sensory aspects, and try to slip us more into his head. It would be good to give some idea of how he came to know that she is following him, especially in the light of the later revelation that he isn’t even on the street--which seems like it would make him darned hard to follow. As I think about this, I realize that I didn't find it very involving. I think it's the lack of sensory details (where's the heat and sweat of being a human being) and in the aloofness of the character, who doesn't seem to feel a lot. Comments, please? For what it’s worth. Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer: Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
© 2012 Ray Rhamey |
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| January 30, 2012 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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I post reviews of my books here now and then, sometimes in hopes that one will interest you and you will read it. Today I’m quoting a couple of new reader reviews to share the joy of having readers that really get it. Want to share your reviews? I’m opening FtQ to published authors to share reviews of their work. Some guidelines:
Now for a couple of reviews by readers from Amazon for Finding Magic I love most supernatural reads, and FINDING MAGIC hit all the right notes! Rhamey created a believable, creative supernatural world and a thrilling plot, grounded in both technical details about all things biological, and characters drawn with emotional accuracy. The chapters moved between first person and third person narration which allowed the reader to dive into the inner world of Annie, one of the main characters, and also step back and see the bigger picture. This dance between the two narration styles was artfully executed. Most importantly, though, I cared about Annie, Gabe, and Mike, was drawn into their world, and wanted to know what happened next. A great read I would highly recommend. Enjoy!
This alternately charming and thrilling book was just what I like a novel to be: an absorbing refuge from daily life and good food for thought. Rhamey has created a truly magical world and, once again, challenges our perceptions of the world around us, asking what it means to live responsibly and compassionately in our society without compromising our values. An exciting read with a fresh perspective. Highly recommended. I’ll make Mondays “Review Day,” though if there are a lot I’ll post them on Tuesdays as well. And the Bookshelf is also open to published authors. Send as attachments:
Enjoy. Ray © 2012 Ray Rhamey |
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| January 27, 2012 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Flogometer for Natalie--would you turn the page? Time is running out to save on an edit or book design. I’m offering a 15% discount on editing services for qualified manuscripts or chapters, and a 10% discount on book cover and interior design services for contracts initiated between now and January 31, 2012. See more about rates here and visit the crrreative.com website for descriptions of services, samples of work, and testimonials. The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below. Storytelling Checklist Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are. Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Natalie has sent the opening of a middle-grade novel, working title The Giant Killer. Every few steps, David stopped to scan the top and sides of the hill. After yesterday, he couldn’t let his guard down. To the north was an outcropping of rocks, some of them big enough for a predator to hide behind. A goat pushed his tunic between his legs as he loaded a palm-sized stone into the sling and looped the leads loosely around his fingers. The stone swung in the breeze. His knees were bent, ready to spring, but he could barely swallow past the knot in his throat. He let off a high lob that landed on the biggest rock with a loud crack. A few of his sheep bleated and shied away, a bird squawked and fluttered off. But nothing else. He clambered onto that big rock and crouched, running his fingertips over the gravel and flipping over loose stones at the base. No big scat, just bird droppings. From his vantage point, he could see that all the surrounding outcroppings were low, shallow. Not big enough for anything to use as cover, but to make sure, he stood and let out a piercing ki-yi-yi-yi. In his imagination, it rolled over the hills and swooshed through the valleys, letting everything know: don’t mess with David, son of Jesse. In reality, all it did was spook the flock. Most of the sheep fled into the safety of the group, comfort-loving animals they were, forming a squirmy knot, but the goats always made him work harder. Of course, he couldn’t run (snip) Another near miss I liked the writing and the voice--good stuff. And the opening couple of paragraphs promised some tension. But then the threat went away and there was no danger, no jeopardy, nothing much for David to deal with. There’s much better tension and story later in the chapter. While this throat-clearing may work for middle-grade readers, I don’t see why there can’t be tension as well. More than that, this story is set in biblical times, near Bethlehem. I think the latter fact should definitely be on the first page--yes, I know that will be in a blurb or pitch letter, but still . . . Later in the chapter, conflict shows up, David’s older brother who has been sent to mind the flock. He’s resentful and abusive to David--he had planned to go to the feast, but for some mysterious reason David had been requested to attend instead. I’d figure out a way to start there. Comments, please? For what it’s worth. Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer: Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
© 2012 Ray Rhamey |
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| January 26, 2012 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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South Coast Writers Conference still open, discount available Reminder for South Coast Writers Conference in February
Quick summaries: Friday from 9 to 4 Sharpen Your Storytelling Skills The focus is fiction craft issues with 5 writing exercises (2 exercises also in Ray’s 2nd Saturday workshop). Free e-copy of my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is provided before the conference. Topics covered:
Storytelling: after lecture and exercises, members write the opening page of a story (scenario provided) to read aloud for class critique. Saturday from 10:45 to 12:15 Crafting a Killer First Page In the workshop, I first give a brief presentation of six vital story elements for fiction. Then, one at a time, a writing sample (first page from a novel submitted by an attendee) is passed out to attendees. Attendees read the sample, decide if they’d turn the page on this novel, make notes, and then I lead the group in a critique of the page as to its effectiveness, shortcomings, and strengths. I also give my evaluation. My critique may also suggest a better starting narrative from later in the submitted chapter. Attendees who submit samples that are critiqued can take the group’s notes with them, including mine. Saturday from 3:15 to 4:45 Crafting Killer Description and Dialogue Scenes The fiction writer’s task is to create the experience of the story in the reader's mind, not to just write a report of what happens. By combining a technique called experiential description with action beats in dialogue, a narrative can deliver that experience. This workshop leads writers to think about how to write for effect—the use of writing techniques to affect the experience the reader imagines. I hope to see you there. Ray © 2012 Ray Rhamey |
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Flogometer for Holly--would you turn the page? The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below. Storytelling Checklist Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are. Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Holly has sent the opening of Double Tap. Jillian Varela received an invitation from Darell Harland Clavey to attend his execution. There was no deciding on this, she knew she would. In fact, if there were any justice at all, they would let her flick the switch that started the lethal cocktail dump. On a late Saturday night, in a driving rain, she drove up the Peninsula, through San Francisco, and across the Golden Gate Bridge. Thirty minutes later, she turned into San Quentin’s main gate. In the blackness, to the left of the entrance, stood a lone death penalty protester. Usually, a dozen or more would be there, waving signs and banging drums. The woman stood under a pink golf umbrella with a candle and a soggy cardboard sign on which she had written, “HE IS DYING FOR YOUR SINS.” Jillian didn’t get that. Surreal purple and blue oil patches shimmered in the arc of her headlights as she pulled into the visitor’s lot. After checking in, a guard escorted her to the witness room and pointed her to a single folding chair. Jillian was the only one in attendance for Clavey. There was muted laughter from the press pool to her left. “Good one,” somebody said. Jillian looked up at the clock that indicated the official time, 11:55. She looked at her unofficial Casio, 11:52. She pulled the stem and set it. At exactly 12:02, they opened the curtains. Almost Good, clean writing, and the opening paragraph was definitely an interest-provoker. The second and third were good for setting and mood. So far, so good. Then there was a reference to a laugh line that we didn’t hear. Then we set our watch. Then the curtains opened. And I stopped reading. Why? We left the story. If it had been established that the time was meaningful, perhaps a race to stop the execution, then that would have worked. But here? Not for me. If you take out the 3 lines of narrative from “Good one…” to “…set it,” you can add these 3 lines from the next page after “At exactly 12:02, they opened the curtains.” Strapped to a gurney was Darell Harland Clavey. He seemed calm, almost serene. He craned his neck, spotted Jillian, and gave her a big grin. He turned to the attendant and raised his middle finger. Jillian could read Clavey’s lips, “Fuck you.” Now, that page I would have turned. Comments, please? For what it’s worth. Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer: Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
© 2012 Ray Rhamey Send author a comment on this post
Viewpoint and voice I'm always learning from other writers, and am enjoying a series by author Mark Sumner. Here's a post where he writes about Viewpoint and voice. For what it's worth. Ray © 2012 Ray Rhamey |
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I am loving your blog! I read every entry and it's reminding me of important things about fiction writing. Keep up the great work. I was at once impressed, delighted and amused. Your insights into the writing process are dead on! Steven Gillis (author of Walter Falls and The Weight of Nothing) I've been enjoying your sharp-tongued exploration of minced and mangled words. I'm a fan. Good stuff every time. Have you ever thought of writing a book on writing from a freelance editor's point of view? The last two blog entries alone would be worth the cost of the book--I've never come across that information before and I've read extensively on the subject. You are a wealth of information and it is easy to read. Thought your post was clever and inspirational. Thanks for the help. I think your blog is a tremendous service to humanity (or at least the handful of aspiring authors I know.) Your blog is fabulous � hope you don�t mind if I give you a little publicity to my writer friends. I must say that I enjoy reading your blog articles. They are very informative, funny , and interesting. I think you should save them for a book. |
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I'm a novelist/freelance editor, and author of "Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells" (a most useful writing craft book). Most clients are first-time novelists. I've written 5 novels, had one literary agent (am looking for a new one). |
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